Should these trials that I am going for as a last resort not work for me, I sit here and think when I am not scared to pieces, I really have no words to leave for anyone. Nothing of any great importance. In essences I was just a struggling wife and mother of four who feels that she did a pretty good job in the end. It takes an increase of pain meds and a nice calming xanax just to get through tonight. It's been a bad night. A night of wondering what death is like. A night of telling God that I don't want to die. A night of crying to my sister through the phone that I don't wanna die. They tell me I have four to six months before the cancer takes over my body and that's it for me. I tried to look on the bottom of my foot for an expiration date but I couldn't find one. All I know is how I feel and that's weak, tired, in pain and feeling these tumors getting larger very quickly. So when does this trial start? I don't know, it's all about sitting about waiting to hear from them until you are so frustrated you give up on the whole deal and go back to your regular oncologist and beg her to make you feel even the slightest bit human again. No wonder there is no cure for this type of cancer.