I have to apologize to everyone who visits on a regular basis, although I have to ask myself why? Can we say Boring? I know I haven't been much of a participator as of late. Lots of things to blame for that, but I think good ole fashion laziness would be the cause. Maybe just really really tired?

Someone emailed me and asked me how it felt to be fighting for my life, below is the response that I gave them.

Happy New Year! Fighting for my life is just something more to do on a daily bases. It's about keeping a brave face to the world and shedding my tears at night when no one will hear me. This week will be a busy one. Monday is an apt. with my regular doctor for a physical so that on Wednesday I can go to surgery for a quick procedure of putting in a snazzy IV line in my chest. This will make getting blood work done so much easier and then when I start the chemo again on the following Monday I will have a nice handy port as they like to call it to send the medicine through. Tuesday of this week is another PET scan. Let's see how far this cancer is this time around. The chemo happens once a week until either it makes my neuropathy much worse or we find out it's not really doing much good. I will loose my hair this time around. Funny thing, the oncologist asked me if I ever wanted to be a blond, I just sat there and laughed. I was thinking maybe a red head.

Yanno dealing with cancer is not something that I allow to consume my life. I can't or I wouldn't be able to do anything else. Sometimes I find myself so disconnected from it that I have to wonder if I really have it. Yes, I am exhausted, I am in pain, yes I am weak....but we weren't raised to let that get us down. Some days I can't help it and I sleep all day and night. Some days I only take a nap or no nap at all. That doesn't happen very often. My house isn't as clean or organized as it use to be and I hate that, but you learn to live with it. It's amazing to me how my thinking has changed. I don't get so stressed anymore. If others don't understand, then maybe they don't belong in my life to begin with. John and I laugh a lot and have become so much closer over all this, for that, I will even thank the cancer. I use to look at married ppl who had been married for a long time and they were happy. I would be so jealous of them. I wanted that for John and I but I didn't know how to get that back for us. The road seemed to long. Since the big C, that road has shortened right up. We aren't afraid to talk about anything. I mean what else is there to talk about after you have discussed your death! LOL

Thanks for the prayers...I am so glad I have God in my life. It makes it all that much easier.

The tumor just got bigger and more painful and they made me wait longer all for an extra 2 to 8 months. This isn't even the trial I wanted to do. The trial I want to do is suppose to be FDA approved end of this year. I couldn't wait any longer for nothing to be done and I went back to my own oncologist. But first I had to tell everyone that I was quitting the trial and that isn't easy, especially to my son. Nick wasn't very happy with me at first and I do understand his frustration. He thinks it's these new trials or death, it doesn't have to be that way I told him, look at this past summer, he wasn't buying it. He still isn't buying it, but he now understands that it has to be something I am comfortable with. I think he heard "quality over quantity" concerning life for the first time. Radiation starts on Monday, all the prep work has been done and they tell me the individual treatments should take less then ten minutes each time. A little skin irritation is all that I should have to worry about and they gave me some lotion to deal with that. Finally I am "home" getting care and getting help. Now we just have to pray it works. If not I am not worried, I still have my FDA approved drug coming end of the year and I can get that at home as well. It looks like I will make it to Sam's wedding .......I have to make it to Sam's wedding!!