The tumor just got bigger and more painful and they made me wait longer all for an extra 2 to 8 months. This isn't even the trial I wanted to do. The trial I want to do is suppose to be FDA approved end of this year. I couldn't wait any longer for nothing to be done and I went back to my own oncologist. But first I had to tell everyone that I was quitting the trial and that isn't easy, especially to my son. Nick wasn't very happy with me at first and I do understand his frustration. He thinks it's these new trials or death, it doesn't have to be that way I told him, look at this past summer, he wasn't buying it. He still isn't buying it, but he now understands that it has to be something I am comfortable with. I think he heard "quality over quantity" concerning life for the first time. Radiation starts on Monday, all the prep work has been done and they tell me the individual treatments should take less then ten minutes each time. A little skin irritation is all that I should have to worry about and they gave me some lotion to deal with that. Finally I am "home" getting care and getting help. Now we just have to pray it works. If not I am not worried, I still have my FDA approved drug coming end of the year and I can get that at home as well. It looks like I will make it to Sam's wedding .......I have to make it to Sam's wedding!!

Should these trials that I am going for as a last resort not work for me, I sit here and think when I am not scared to pieces, I really have no words to leave for anyone. Nothing of any great importance. In essences I was just a struggling wife and mother of four who feels that she did a pretty good job in the end. It takes an increase of pain meds and a nice calming xanax just to get through tonight. It's been a bad night. A night of wondering what death is like. A night of telling God that I don't want to die. A night of crying to my sister through the phone that I don't wanna die. They tell me I have four to six months before the cancer takes over my body and that's it for me. I tried to look on the bottom of my foot for an expiration date but I couldn't find one. All I know is how I feel and that's weak, tired, in pain and feeling these tumors getting larger very quickly. So when does this trial start? I don't know, it's all about sitting about waiting to hear from them until you are so frustrated you give up on the whole deal and go back to your regular oncologist and beg her to make you feel even the slightest bit human again. No wonder there is no cure for this type of cancer.