Does anyone know how to die? On one hand I feel like I should be laying down and taking it easy and conserving my energy. On the other hand, I feel like I should be off making a name for myself. Doing something special that people will remember me for a time to come. Somehow I don't think you get that from playing games on facebook. Is facebook really the way to go? I can see it now, headlines read, "Women found slumped over computer with face-book Farmville on her computer screen"! Not really the way I was wanting to be remembered. So what to do? I have been perplexed with this question for a few days now. Do I even have the energy to volunteer some where? Yesterday was the last day of my second batch of chemo, so today I am pretty drained, so that answer today is no, but other days, that answer might be yes. I have been wanting to volunteer with rocking babies at St. Joseph's Hospital here in Milwaukee. This is where the preterm's are born. They just need your love and body heat and believe me, I have a lot of body heat to share with them and God knows I love babies. Some where on this messy desk is their number, I looked it up before all this came back to greet me again. This being cancer. I bet I threw it away, thinking they wouldn't accept me into the program. Well, I can look up the number just as easy now as I did before. There, I left a message, I can't do much more than that. The least they can do is turn me down. Not sure if this is the answer, but it feels right to me and I guess that's all that matters. I refuse to lay down and wait for the hand of death to come over me, if it wants me, it's going to have to find me and then it better be prepared to chase me, with me laughing, out of breath, all the way........

Sitting here waiting for the effects of the next round of Chemo to start. This time I have a pretty good idea of how to do this, so maybe I will be able to beat it this time around.

I have had a rough couple of weeks it seems. I am sure when I am at the end I will look back and laugh at myself and that statement. Lots of back pain which my husband has been a great guy and given me lots of back rubs. Those rubs don't do much for the pain, but the feeling of touch is so important that it helps to take some of the pain away and he feels like he is doing something to help. I can't imagine how it must be on his end, watching me and not knowing how to help me because I don't have a clue how to help myself. I finally gave in and went and talked with the nurse at the office and she explained to me that I wasn't taking my pain medicines the right way, all to avoid being to groggy during the daytime. The funny thing is, I am now taking more medicine during the daytime and my pain is much better and yet, I seem to have more energy. Gotta love it when a plan comes together. I guess this is why they tell all medical personal not to treat yourself or another family member, because you are just to close to the situation and can't see the whole picture. Not to mention I got my painful arthritic knees injected as well and while there (this is at the office I use to work at) I was talking to Al the PA who was doing the injection and told him that for the most part my pain medicines were doing the trick but that like most people the narcotics wake me up in the middle of the night. His suggestion, take benadryl with my last dose and wow, I get to sleep all the way through the night. So now I have my pain under control, my knees can get me up and down the stairs and out of a chair, I am getting sleep and life is good!! It's been a long time since I have felt this good. Thank you God for this blessing, I will take it and run with it!

Enough rambling for one Saturday morning. One thing I have to say and that is Thank you, to everyone who takes the time out of their busy lives to stop and think of me and sends a card. I can't tell you how wonderful that feels to know others are thinking of me and praying for me. Please keep the prayers and good thoughts going...they are working!! God Bless!