Went to the doc. today and first she showed me my PET scan from January and said to look at all those black dots all over my body. She said those black dots are cancer. I was shocked when I looked at it that way, there were a lot of black dots. Then she flipped over to the scan that I just had on Monday and said now look at all the black dots on this scan. I said there aren't any and she smiled and said you're right, there aren't any!! I am in the 20% that the chemo is working for!! Woohoo! So it's continue with the chemo until I either become toxic to it or the cancer doesn't respond to it any longer. Of course if my peripheral neuropathy keeps acting up she is going to find a different chemo or some other way to treat me. How much you wanna bet my PN is NOT going to be acting up?!!? LOL Give me drugs I will survive. I was in shock at first when she told me, it took a while for it all to sink in then I was flying! Thanks for all the prayers, I truly believe that is what got me to this point! Keep em up, I am not outta danger just yet, but I will make it to my daughters wedding!!

When you haven't lost your hair, when you haven't lost a ton of weight, when your skin color is normal, it's hard for most people to believe there is anything physically wrong with you. This also makes it easy for some to put on their blinders because it's how they cope.

On the other hand, you know there is something wrong because you can't stay awake for long periods of time, you have these intermittent pains,you have no appetite, nothing tastes good, and deep inside you have this feeling of impending doom. That's the hardest one, that feeling of impending doom. It's the one that won't even allow yourself to pretend that nothing is wrong. That's the one that makes you face up to it all. Especially at night when everyone else is sleeping and you lay there wide awake. Everyone likes to tell you that you have your days and nights mixed up and you just nod and say probably, but you know better. You know that it's at night when all those fears come to taunt you. They love to come and play games with your mind. They ask you a million questions over and over again. What day will it be? What will it be like when it happens? Will you be able to go with as much grace as you hope to? Will my children suffer or will they find relief in my passing? Will it hurt? Will I cry? Will I smile? It is then that you can't listen to yourself any longer and you go online and play a game or read what everyone had to say that day on facebook. You do anything that has to do with life and living and normal that you can just to make yourself feel alive! Anything to remind yourself you are still alive!

I have my first repeat Pet scan since starting Chemo on the 28. That will tell us if the Chemo is working or not. I have an appointment with my oncologist on the 30th to find out the results, I'll be posting after that.